Hasty? Quick? Instant gratification? I’ve done enough academic work to know none of these are likely. But is it too much to ask to at least feel some sense of progress, of movement, of actually getting somewhere?
Instead, it’s more like going word-by-word, sometimes letter-by-letter, where each one is some new and unknown struggle. It doesn’t matter how well I know the information, how thoroughly I’ve researched, how complete my outline is, or even how well I write.
Sure, all these things are important, and the work would be so much more difficult if even one of them were missing. But it’s still an ongoing journey through a swamp, a mire, a marsh where the alligators of doubt, second-guessing, and anxiety rear their ugly heads.
I know these gators well, but that does not make their presence welcome! If only they would beat a hasty retreat! But no! They hang around my consciousness, laughing at me, waiting for me to stumble so they can devour me and what’s left of my work–completely and utterly obliterating us from existence!
Except… That is not happening!
I plod onward, forward, upward, until, I hope, I one day reach the point I have seen with other projects… The point from which I look down on the completed thing. This is the point where, I assume, although I can’t see it now, I will say, “Gee, it wasn’t that bad!”
But right now? With inordinate amounts of research, reading, writing, re-reading, and re-writing ahead of me, I can only hope to reach that summit eventually. That is, if it’s still there when I get there!
Meanwhile, I continue my arduous journey, gators and all!
Written for Linda G. Hills
Stream of Consciousness Saturday #SoCS Prompt.